no girls allowed… scissor sisters anyway.

thank god biggest gord keeps up on his lesbian news.  don’t ask me why he has ‘lesbian prom’ in his google alerts…  but, this am, he put me onto this basura.  some high school in bumblefuck mississippi is not allowing a lesbian couple to attend prom as a couple.  they’d rather, they be escorted by 2 beards than have any sort of homo-eroticism at their prom.  lesbians fight for their right to party.  school shuts the prom down.  inevitably… all the mean girls blame it on the sisterhood of the yaya pantsuit.  and in the grand american tradition, we have a lawsuit.

lawsuits are great and all, but they can drain resources and ‘due process’ is a crock of shit.  here’s what i would do.  first of all… proms suck.  proms suck hard.  ever been to a good one?  ever leave prom like… goddamn… that was the best party of my life.  understandably, prom goers are young and may not understand, but believe me kids… when you look at the bigger picture?  complete waste of your time and money.  ladies?  you’ll never wear that dress again.  dudes?  that men’s warehouse tux is not baller.

but let’s break shit down and really do the math, shall we?  most prom tickets, average say, $125 depending on where you at.  So let’s go low and say, your prom ticket is $100.  Then you got your dress, usually, another $100, or… you gotta listen to your mother and grandmother bitch throughout the entire hand made dress making progress and get stuck by all sortsa pins and needles in your softest spots (easily worth a bill).  on the dude side of things, you got your tux, on average, depending on all the options you choose, $100.  the corsage, around $50 these days.  the limo, standard cost is $400 for the night (you may split that between 5 boys and their dates).  and lastly, the goddamn pictures.  another fucking $50.  theorizing that this lesbian couple is, most likely, liberal enough to dutch pay the costs and find enough people to share a limo, you’re looking at rougly, $300 a head (and that’s a low estimate).

now consider this.  ever throw a house party?  ever throw a house party and collect $300 a head?  mind blowing, i know.  so let’s say you get every party kid in your school that would normally attend a shitty prom, entice them with the prospects of drinking and eating at the same time without having to attend an ‘after party’ just to properly booze it up.  then… let ’em know it’ll only be a $100 a head.  you have yourselves the makings of the best party jackson mississippi has never even imagined.  seriously, with a bill per head, a large enough gathering, and a cool older sibling with proper id who cares about your cause?  you could make some amazing bad decisions that night.  i’d say at least 3 chicks are getting pregnant, palin style.  i’m seeing kegs, top shelf liquors (find a whole sale liquor distributor, they’ll sell it to you, no problem), wings, cheeses, nachos, an endless fresca fountain, kiddy pools filled with ky, a shitty band/dj (that isn’t as shitty as the band/dj at your prom), beer pong, beer bongs, keg stands, dirty white v-neck tees, wet dirty white v-neck tees (boobies included), bboy battles, flaming shots, wall to wall sand, i mean… have you seen the asher roth “i love college” video?    who in their right mind would turn down all that magicalness for a shitty buffet, dancing in uncomfortable ass clothes to shitty music, people checking how close you grinding, and slow dances?  well… slow dancing can be magical in HS, but, again, when you look at the bigger picture… intercourse is muuuuuch better.

am i saying you shouldn’t stand up for your rights?  hell no.  fight the good fight sisters.  i applaud you for sticking it to the man.  but in  the meantime… i mean… prom is canceled and all anyway… why not throw the party to end all parties?  real talk.  make some memories ladies.  and then buy a flip cam so you can record said memories and post them to dailymotion.  here’s to bad decisions.

~ by col.rice on March 18, 2010.

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