the only thing that remains consistent… are the inconsistencies.

so… as i’m sure most of you are scratching your head about this whole guru thing.  damned if i’m not.  today, many of us in the Hip Hop community thought we’d finally get some light shed on the situation.  wrong.  i feel like i got my power cut after listening to this interview.  thank god i didn’t bother waking up at the ass crack of dawn to catch it, because listening to that shit without any coffee in my system woulda been like trying to glean meaning from a david blaine haiku.  in any case, i thought i’d break down what seem to be the most obvious questions at the moment, and share with you all what we have available in terms of information, be they quotes or tweets.

q: is guru currently in a coma?  medically induced or not?  was he ever up at any point?

a: “what i’m saying right now is that, i don’t wanna go any further than into what i’ve reported.  that he’s recovering from cardiac arrest that he’s not in a medically induced coma, and that he’s recovering at the present moment.  and to get into the details of his health right now is not what guru would’ve wanted.  i’m trying to give the most accurate updates as i can, until guru is at a point where he can himself can speak to his fans and his family and so on.”

so… yes?  no?  you’d just rather not say?  so… he’s not in a medically induced coma… but you won’t reveal anything else?  sketch.  slightly.

q: so what exactly is your relationship to guru?  a lot of people are unclear, b/c you’re making statements on behalf of guru and you also can make all medical decisions for guru?

a: “well you know, the decision that guru hasn’t made for himself to be more accurate.” what? huh? “you know, my relationship with guru, we refer to each other as brothers from different mothers.” i got at least 9 homies i say that about… so what? being ‘brothers’, like zoolander was with his homies, allows you to be someone’s medical proxy?

q: so you’re his producer?  are you his manager also?

a: “no, no i’m not guru’s manager and i’m not guru’s spokesperson per se, and its difficult for me to be in a position where i am speaking for him and that’s why i try to speak, [mumble].” 

(3:44 of the interview, if you can decipher i owe you a loosey.)  so… you’re not his spokesperson per se… but you may have allegedly tweeted from his official account (i’ll get into that below)?  and that’s speaking… something… i’m guessing he may have tried to say something along the lines of ‘carefully’, but this is one reckless “superproducer”.

q: are there really 2 different lists at the hospital?  1 for visitors, one for no entry?

a: “that’s completely untrue, and it’s been unfortunate that this has become… you know… so out of perspective and untrue.  guru’s in a very serious condition and the doctors and the medical personel surrounding him, there’s been a number of people who try to visit with guru who have no business seeing him at all at this time…” i.e. his man of 50 grand for 20 years?  his family? “and guru’s not in a position at this time to be able to monitor or oversee who is allowed to see him and who isn’t.” b/c guru… is in a comatose state???. “and guru most certainly had given myself and the medical personnel an idea of who he wanted to see him and be updated on his medical condition.  he most certainly told them and myself, he didn’t want the information to be released to the media.” yet… he’s not in a position to say, yes or no in terms of people visiting him?  and he’s cool with you already soliciting interview requests via twitter?  suspect.

q: justin, his nephew, who recently took to youtube to vent his frustrations.  was he able to see guru or not?

a: “mmmm… i just met him for the first time when he came up to see guru.” correction…solar had previously met guru’s nephew at multiple shows, specifically at one in sweden.  “and i spoke to him for a while and he came to the hospital with people from guru’s past who guru had cut himself off from, completely, for going on, again, close to 9 years, who guru may have been, you know, been having problems with, more than likely, having problems before i even met guru.”  gang starr’s last show was in 2004.  you was there.  do the math buddy.  and you been in the studio with everybody, be real my dude.  please.

q: is premo on said blacklist?

a: i think it’s well known, i’m gonna say this, i don’t wanna go into name calling b/c i think it’s not fair, but if we look at the record of guru’s interviews, i think it’s clear who guru has spoken to and who he really hasn’t spoken to, who he’s made clear that he hasn’t had anything to do with when he was healthy, so i think we can all be clear from the interviews and so on.

never trust a man who sources past internet interviews as his source of information. ever.

then… the twitter chaos hits.

q: guru’s official twitter account has been active, who exactly has been tweeting from this account?  and why do they seem to be the exact same tweets on your official account?

a: “well there’s a million twitters out there, i’m not gonna stand here and try to account for every twitter account out there… like i said, i’ve seen a million twitters that are official, unofficial, i can’t speak to every one…  i don’t wanna be in a position where i’m speak to every twitter…there’s a million twitter pages out there… so many things going on with twitter… its so unregulated…”

translation: dance, dance, dance, sidestep, dance, backpedal, dance.

the strangest part to me… is if you actually visit their twitter accounts, you’ll notice quite a bit of suspicious activity.  hate to get all csi, handwriting expert on folks but peep the tweets i’ve highlighted in red (exhibit a if you will):

click to view full size

the grammatical format and punctuation of those tweets look oddly… identical?  minus the fact that maybe solar pulled out the old thesauraus to find a synonym for ‘truth’, ohhhh the irony.

and in closing, i present to you exhibit b.  guru’s own, official twitter account.  now i’ve known the man for almost a decade… we’ve shared many a conversation… not never has this man ever referred to himself in the third person… clearly, someone is tweeting for him (which isn’t uncommon in the celebrity world), but referencing solar’s dance moves that he supplied as his answer for that last question… i’m just saying.  something smells fishy.  and i won’t even go to any vagina jokes.


~ by col.rice on March 9, 2010.

3 Responses to “the only thing that remains consistent… are the inconsistencies.”

  1. like they say on the x-files, THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

  2. Where is Col. Rice…I miss him!

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