subway fuckery

subway fuckery

now that i’ve unloaded my beliefs on pedestrian propriety, it’s time to address another commonly used mode of transport in our fair city: the subway.  the subway is as savage as the sidewalks of nyc, if not worse.  we’re talkin’ about the pits of hell (herald square in the summer time, real talk) just jam packed with about 8,739,680 peeps, daily.  on a weekday.  sure, in these glorious times of the post-giuliani age, you’re not going to run into as much trouble as you might’ve in the 80’s, but you might still end up with some nypd baton up your booty hole (true story).  regardless of martial-giuliani-law, doesn’t mean you can’t brush up on a few etiquette points before you hit that mta hard on your next trip to new york.  so here we go:

out first, then in – the most basic rule of the road.  its not that hard, its basic common sense.  yes, chinese lady at canal street station, i see your 1000 plastic bags and cart, but it don’t take away from the fact that you gonna get your turn.  and you assholes that crowd the doors and columns, may you one day fall under the platform.  that door takes time to close, it ain’t shuttin as soon as all the people file out, moron.  stay in ya lane.

file in people – there are some motherfuckers out there that just don’t seem to understand that whether you in the middle of the car or near the doors, it don’t matter.  shit still goes forward.  they got handholds and poles all up and down the damn thing for a reason, if you ain’t the next stop?  again, stay in ya goddamn lane.  which leads me to…

posting up – you.  asshole next to the door for the last 5 stops, not even turning sideways to let people in.  yeah you, i’m talkin to you.  if you ain’t gettin off in 2 stops, quit posting up on the door homey.  real talk, that 4 foot wide opening is for about 8 million of us to use, dick.  do the math.  keep your low post game for the courts, homey.  and for you habitually posting up couples?  i wish for your children to grow up parentless.

head up/eyez & earz open – its a phrase we use often around here year round, but it applies to oh so much.  when there’s the possibility of getting bumped into a 5 foot drop, accompanied by an awesomely electric third rail… keep your eyes open.  you leanin’ over the tracks to play, “wonder when my train gets here?” ain’t gonna make the train come any faster.  and then when you look all bewildered because your ass almost got dropped to the tracks by rush hour traffic, you the one lookin’ stupid.

the mystical escalator – yes, it’s a stairway that moves.  i know, it’s fucking amazing, the steps move.  now, move to one side so i can keep moving, you lazy bastard.  some of us aren’t satisfied by the speed of mobile staircase and are trying to catch that next train, so move your fatass, your duffel bag, your shopping bags, whatever.  just fucking move… please.

kick law – its one thing if its 5:43PM on a Monday, and somehow, in all that rush hour traffic, someone happens to step on my kicks.  understandable.  but 2am, in the car with the drunk, passed out ass bum, the 3 drunken white hipster chicks heading back to williamsburg, and me… and you still manage to scuff my kicks?  we dancing.  yes, i will fight you over my sneakers.

so there you go, a step by step booklet for you to get your game on track, not your wig pushed back.  follow these rules, you might not have mad bread to break up… but you’ll have a friend in me.  please, avoid subway fuckery.


~ by col.rice on February 9, 2010.

One Response to “subway fuckery”

  1. looks like strip joints went more underground. agree with what is said.

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